Lesson #2: The Library

                If your campus is lucky enough to have a library that is accessible to all students, then chances are that you will eventually wish to take advantage of this glorious space of studying and fun times. (In the words of the great Dr. Robert Carballo:   “Have you ever heard of a university without a library? Ridiculous.”)  That being said, there is a particular code of conduct in the library. In case you were not lucky enough to have been taught this code around the age of – uhhh – five or so, I shall provide a few guidelines for you:

(See Rule #3)

1.       SERIOUSLY, BE QUIET.  And I don’t mean that the library isn’t a place for group projects. I also don’t mean that the occasional quiet conversation can’t take place. People are trying to study and do something with their lives, whether you approve of this or not. Still confused about what “BE QUIET” actually means? Here are some things NOT to do…

• DO NOT talk on your phone (especially not on speaker phone).
• DO NOT eat from a family-sized bag of Doritos, which comes in a very loud, crackly bag.
• DO NOT play music or Youtube videos on your laptop without earbuds.
• DO NOT laugh like a hyena.
• DO NOT expect sympathy from your fellow library-goers if someone gets fed-up with your behavior and decides to viciously maul you.

2.       PRINTERS ARE MACHINES, NOT MAGIC LAMPS.  Even if you really wish for 50 copies of that 20-page document the professor told you to print 2 weeks ago, you should avoid being “that person” during the busy-printing hours. “Busy printing hours” can be easily described as the times in the library when 20 people are trying to print something off in the same 30-second time period. If it can wait, let it. If not… wait anyway.

3.       ONE PERSON DOES NOT REQUIRE AN ENTIRE TABLE.  Let’s get real – If you’re one person, you can totally take one of those cubicle-y things on the second or third floor behind the bookshelves. In fact, you’d like it there. No one bothers you, you get a little window all to yourself… Cozy! Plus, then you won’t fall victim to glares and possible death threats if you take a table away from people with a group project. You know – people who actually need an entire freakin’ table.

4.       ACT YOUR AGE; NOT YOUR SHOE SIZE.  ……..Pretty self-explanatory, I would hope.

He gets it.

 

Congratulations! You’ve successfully completed Lesson #2 of “Campus Courtesy”.

…But in the off chance that your campus happens to lack a library (or at least one that is able to be used at this time), feel free to disregard these rules.

Lesson #1: Sidewalk Etiquette

Point #1:  People on college campuses do not know how to share sidewalks.

I've developed a list of the most popular (or most witnessed) reasons as to why sidewalks are not shared:

• Listening to music - I like music as much as the next person, but listening to music does not give you the right nor the excuse to take up the entire sidewalk and walk at an excruciatingly slow pace while helpless fast-walkers (such as myself) try fruitlessly to pass you.
  
• Couples - Look, I understand that you're in love and that you were meant to be together for all of eternity (whether that's actually true or not); however, walking down the middle of the sidewalk, hand-in-hand, is really obnoxious. Like the music-listener, you walk at an unbelievably slow pace, and - not helping the situation at all - you occasionally pause to kiss or smile lovingly at each other or (Hey, I've seen it happen.) make out right before reaching the crosswalk. I know that when you look at the person you love, it may seem like you two are the only people on earth... but you're not. I'm walking behind you, and I'm trying to get to Modern American fiction. Move it.
  
• Texting/Talk on phone - You are just as bad as the previous two categories. Firstly, have you ever seen the video of that woman who was texting while walking and ending up tripping and falling into a fountain in a mall? That's your future. And if you're talking to someone on the phone, please pick up the pace... and for the love of Pete, TURN OFF SPEAKER PHONE. Especially if you're talking about very personal things. I really don't want to hear both sides of the conversation.
  
• Naturally slow walkers - To the people who fall under this category:  I pity you for not carrying the fast-walking gene. I won't yell at you. I promise........... But if you're holding one of those family-sized umbrellas and blocking the sidewalk, I'm still going to get annoyed.
  
• Walking with a group that includes everyone and your grandma - Contrary to popular belief, it IS possible to walk in a large group and still allow opposing traffic to walk along the sidewalk. I know you want to stand next to Steve, Joe, Timmy, Brian AND Larry... but you can't. Sometimes in life, you can't get what you want.